i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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