I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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