I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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