You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
