Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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