tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
