It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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