I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I puked a lego.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
