everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
