I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
