Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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