1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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