Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
