dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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