: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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