help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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