I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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