he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
