He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
