I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
