benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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