we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
