The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
