pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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