I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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