I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
