if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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