I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
