I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
