I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
