I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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