I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just gift wrapped bread.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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