Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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