the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
