I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
