I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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