Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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