True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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