did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
