Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
