i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize