someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You made out with two different species that night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
