My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
