my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
this hospital has no fireball
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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