her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
