Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
