Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
