i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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