im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize