I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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