What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
