I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
