A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
