I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you never un-have a 4some
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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