I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
