Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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