Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we made out on top of his cat.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
