Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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