If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize