The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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